


Excuses

by kuro1neko2kun



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ace Raphael, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Raphael is a closet nerd, Sarcasm, Simon is a nerd, Simon's family is great, no one knows Simon is a vampire, vampire puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 05:49:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6411343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuro1neko2kun/pseuds/kuro1neko2kun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon tries to convince his mom that everything is a-okay and he's definitely not doing drugs. Things go...interestingly</p>
            </blockquote>





	Excuses

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for the [Shadowhunters Ficathon](http://ladygawain.livejournal.com/83265.html?page=6#t1023553)
> 
> And I'm totally still working on the older prompts.
> 
> Prompt:  
>  _Raphael/Simon_  
>  the fake dating trope \o/  
> all the bonus points for including ace!raphael

Simon's not sure how it happened. One minute he'd been assuring his mom that he totally wasn't doing drugs, and he was definitely not trying to run away, and the next he was telling her that he was staying out all night because he had…found someone. 

She'd given him this suspicious look and he'd just…blacked out or something. Seriously. He glanced around for bystanders before entering the Hotel DuMort, narrowly missing hitting his head on a beam. Raphael should have really fixed the door by now. It's been weeks and they're still using a couple of boards nailed across the entryway to keep people out.

He heads up the stairs on autopilot as he continues to freak out. How is he going to find a "significant other" in time for dinner on Saturday? Why is he an idiot who clearly can't function under pressure? And how, for that matter, is he going to manage to pretend to eat dinner while who ever he cons into going with him is getting interrogated.

"What's got your mind all aflutter?" 

Simon stops at the doorway, glancing over to see Raphael leaning casually in a doorway. Today he's wearing a black coat with blue embroidery.

"What's the matter, baby?" Raphael snickers at his annoyed look.

"Seriously man, super weir-" Simon pauses in his protests, giving Raphael a once over. Maybe…

"Just give in, baby. It's not like you can deny that you are a baby vamp." Raphael steps to the side, beckoning Simon into the room, "So, I ask again, why are you thinking so hard? I can hear your brain melting."

"Oh, ha ha Raphael," Simon steps into the living area, and glances around for the others.

"They're already asleep." Raphael shuts the door and gestures at a casket (Simon wonders what Clary would think), "You cut it close tonight."

"I just… got caught up in things." Simon shrugs and makes his way towards the couch, sinking onto it with a groan, "Mom was asking where I keep going, and I got suckered into dinner. In two days. With the significant other that I don't actually have!" 

"Well that was stupid." Raphael moves towards his casket, opening it with the barest application of force, "Make sure you have a snack before you go to sleep. Wouldn't want you to wake up hungry."

Simon pauses in his wallowing to look Raphael up and down consideringly. Raphael notices and groans just as Simon sits up to look at him.

“Please? Please? Raphael, I’m begging here,” Simon widens his eyes hopefully at Raphael, cocking his head to one side.

“You’re the idiot who got yourself into this situation, baby.” Raphael is amused at the attempt.

“Raphael! You’re my only hope!” Simon even ignores his weird nickname. Raphael snorts.

“You’re such a nerd.” He sits up in his casket, grabbing the lid to close it.

“Please?” Simon makes an effort to look like a kicked puppy.

“Fine. I’ll do it. But only because you’re just going to be insufferable otherwise.” 

The casket closes, and Simon falls back onto the couch in relief.

-

Two days later find them standing outside Simon’s mom’s house, Raphael carrying a bottle of (what Simon is really hoping is) wine with a label Simon can’t read. Simon hesitates at the door, fist raised to knock.

“Are you doing this or not?” Raphael nudges him impatiently with an elbow.

“I’m doing it, just-“ Simon takes a breath, “wait.”

Raphael reaches past him and knocks. There’s thumping inside, and Simon groans, shooting a glare at Raphael.

“What? You were taking too long.” Raphael smirks back.

“Simon!” The door opens and his sister is grinning at him slyly, “And who’s this then”

“Um. This is my-“

“Raphael Santiago,” Raphael interrupts him, holding out a hand with a suspicious looking smile. Simon wonders if it’s too late to bail as Raphael’s voice deepens mockingly, “I’m Simon’s new _boyfriend_.”

“Oooh, I’m Rebecca, Simon’s sister.” Simon tries to elbow Raphael discreetly, “Come on in, Mom’s really excited to meet you. And Simon, you’re gonna be in so much trouble.”

Rebecca practically skips back inside, leaving Simon and Raphael to follow.

“What was that?” Simon hisses as soon as his sister is out of range.

“I’m being nice,” A smirk, and Raphael steps into the house after him, slipping off his coat, “You did ask me to be, baby vamp.”

Simon just groans, throwing his coat on top of the rack. This is gonna be a disaster. 

“Simon, sweetheart, I thought I heard you,” Simon’s mom peeks out of the kitchen, “And who did you-“ 

She pauses as Raphael steps into view, glancing between him and Simon.

“Um. So, mom, this is my-“ He almost chokes, and he can practically hear Raphael snickering at him, “ _boyfriend_ , Raphael. Raphael, my mom.”

“Lovely to meet you Mrs. Lewis.” Raphael smiles at her and holds out the bottle, “I hope you like reds?”

“Oh, this is lovely,” Simon’s mom bustles forward, taking the bottle from Raphael and smiling at him before turning to Simon with a warning look, “Simon didn’t mention that you were…”

“So handsome?” Raphael is enjoying this. Simon considers the distance between himself and the kitchen window.

“Yes, of course,” Simon winces when his mom pinches him as she steps to the side in the hallway, "And Simon, look at you. Is that a new jacket?"

"Its-uh…" Simon glances down at his jacket, then over at Raphael, who rolls his eyes.

"I lent it to him for tonight. He insisted that I come to meet you, and I figured we may as well make a good impression." Raphael leans in as though he's telling a secret, lowering his voice, "He was actually more nervous about tonight than me, I figured keeping him focused on his looks was better than fixating on something else."

Simon tries to subtly pinch Raphael in the side, but is foiled by Raphael's elbow. 

"Aren't you sweet! Please, call me Elaine." Simon's mom takes a moment to coo over Raphael before gesturing towards the dining room, “Well, come on inside and sit down. Dinner’s almost done.”

She bustles them inside, and Simon makes a face when Raphael pulls a chair out for him with a smirk. Rebecca and his mom both giggle.

“Such a gentleman,” Simon makes a face at Rebecca when his mom’s back is turned, and sits in the chair. She sticks her tongue out at him as their mom heads back into the kitchen.

They sit in awkward silence for a few minutes before his mom comes back in carrying a tray of lasagna and a salad bowl.  
“Now, don’t be shy, please help yourself.” His mom sets down the dishes and takes a seat, serving herself a healthy portion of food. Rebecca follows suit and Simon glances at Raphael before cutting as small as lice as he can get away with to put on his plate. Raphael just rolls his eyes at him and takes a regular serving.

“So, how did you two meet?” Rebecca leans forward in her chair, cutting into her lasagna.

“He’s a friend of a friend,” Simon interjects before Raphael can make up a stupid story, “Clary and I went to a…Friend’s party. It was kind of dead, but Raphael was there, and we ended up ditching the party to talk.”

“And then he just couldn’t resist my charms and kept coming back.” Simon tries to kick Raphael’s leg under that table, but it moves and he stubs his toe on the leg of his chair, “We bonded, he confessed his undying love for me, and he’s been sticking around ever since.”

Simon shoots him a dirty look, and forces a smile when his mom looks glances back at him.

“So, Raphael, how old are you?” 

“I’m twenty three.”

“You don’t look a day over nineteen!” 

“I’m older than I look,” Raphael practically winks, and Simon fights the urge to groan. Of all the references…

“Are you in school?”

“Oh, no, I finished that ages ago,” Simon wonders if Raphael was always this bad with the weird vampire references, or if he’s doing it for his benefit, “My family has money, so I mostly just manage their estates.”

“Speaking of family…” Rebecca raises an eyebrow, “What are your parents like?”

“I..” Raphael looks pained. The mood around the table shifts

“Rebecca! Raphael, you don’t have to answer that.”

“No, it’s fine,” Raphael shrugs, “They’ve been gone for a while.”

-

Dinner continues along that vein, and Simon finds himself eyeing the windows more and more by the time dessert is served. He's thought of at least a dozen ways they could escape (each more ridiculous than the last. One of them involved carrots, a tamagotchi, and three spoons) in the past hour, and Raphael is making up a more and more elaborate story about their fake relationship. 

Simon's pretty sure Raphael is already his mother's favourite son, and he's half resigned to having to drag him along to every family gathering until forever. Because his mom is like that. And if he admits what he did now, his mom will never ever let him hear the end of it. And his sister will be insufferable. 

On the other hand, if he does that, he's going to owe Raphael so many favours. Like…so many. His family is ridiculous. 

"…And then Simon tripped over the banister and fell on top of me, and that's why we were late tonight." Simon tunes back into the conversation just as Raphael is finishing another made up story, and winces at the besotted look in his mother's eyes. Even his sister likes him. His mom stands and starts to collect plates.

"Simon," She gestures, and Simon reluctantly stands to help, leaving Raphael at the mercy of his sister as he carries a load into the kitchen. Elaine comes up to the counter as he's scraping his food into the bin.

"Now, Simon, I didn't want to bring this up over dinner but…" She stacks the dishes on top of one another in the sink. "Are you two being…safe?"

"Safe…?" Simon echoes.

"You know, using condoms and such. Kids these days can be very reckless and there's so many things you can get. Raphael seems like a very nice boy- and that is a conversation you are not getting out of having at some point, by the way- but I just want to know you're not at risk for any-" She lowers her voice dramatically, "STDs."

"Mom!" Simon's face would be on fire if he was still human. He's starting to feel strange too, but maybe that's just the embarrassment, "We're not- we haven't- that's not-"

"Sweetie, I know you might be uncomfortable talking to your mom about this, but I love you and I want you to be safe. You don't need to deny it to me either, he's a very attractive boy, and I know how you can get-"

"Mrs. Lewis?" Raphael is standing in the doorway to the kitchen with the last of the serving plates.

"Oh, Raphael, I didn't hear you coming!" Elaine turns to take the dish as Simon's attempting to recover from his sudden attack of embarrassment.

"I'm told I can be very…quiet. I sleep like the dead too," Raphael snickers at his own little joke, and Simon fights the urge to groan, "I caught the end of your conversation there. I just want to assure you, there's no need to have the talk with Simon over me. I'm asexual so…"

It's probably the most Simon's ever heard Raphael say at once, and he gapes at him as the revelation sinks in (luckily his mom is looking at Raphael, so she misses it). 

"You're asexual?" 

And there's Rebecca. Simon's embarrassment is now complete. His stomach feels heavy with the few bites he managed to force down, and he leans heavily against the counter.

"Yes." Raphael shrugs.

"Hmmm." Rebecca looks thoughtful. Raphael glances at Simon and starts at how pale he's gotten.

"Well, it was nice to meet you all, but I really should get going, I need to be up early tomorrow." Raphael manoeuvres his way gracefully around Elaine to take Simon's arm.

"It was lovely to meet you, and you're always invited to family dinners, dear!" Elaine smiles lets them step past, Simon leaning on Raphael as lightly as he can.

"I'll see about clearing up my schedule for them." Raphael smiles charmingly at the Lewis women and guides Simon out of the house and towards his van, collecting their jackets along the way.

"Drive safe," Elaine catches Simon for a hug and he has to turn his head away to keep his fangs from descending. He pats her on the back and pulls away, smiling at her queasily.

"See you later, looser," Rebecca jeers from inside the house, and Simon rolls his eyes, letting Raphael put an arm around his shoulders and pull him towards the car.

"See you!" He makes it to the driver's seat before slumping over the wheel with a groan.

"You really need to learn some sleight of hand there, baby." Raphael pulls a container full of food from somewhere on his person and sets it on the dash, "C'mon, lets get you back to the hotel to pump your stomach."

Simon just groans, turning the key in the ignition and reluctantly buckling himself in. Raphael doesn't even bother with the seatbelt.


End file.
